I have lived through a ton of shit in my life. no big deal, lots of folks have. I made it through. learned lessons. got smarter and healthier and stronger and on we roll.
at the other end of so much antics, I am a very positive and optimistic person who is still able to be surprised and awed by life and its wonder, who holds a sincere sense of gratitude for kindnesses and compassion and who still, mainly because of my art, believes in fairytales and magic and whispered promises shared in the moonlight. ya know, all that little girlie stuff.
none of this means I am not also fully capable of being a rockin single mom and a very successful senior care professional and business owner and artist. I have actually worked really hard to come to a point in my life where everything is balanced and works together pretty flippin nicely.
that is the healthy part that made it through and that is in charge of my feelings and thoughts for about 90% of my life.
but there is the other part, left with all its fears and experiences from the pain and hurts of before and it is still afraid and still finds challenge in believing that all the good and the love flowing in are real and will last. There is no question that seriously abusive relationships leave marks, whether the scars are physical or only mental and emotional doesn't really matter, they are still most definitely there, and lots of folks have em. To have lived through those experiences of the past many of us created internal personas that watched out for us. The little voice in our head that turned on the warning bell right before that violent spouse was gonna throw something so there was time to duck; or made the silent suggestion within our mind to check the bank account, now unexpectedly empty ...before.... writing the mortgage check; or led us to check the mailbox at a time earlier than usual and find the letters from the attorneys and court system about heretofore unknown arrests and courtdates and fees and fines. That part of us, our hyper-vigilant intuitive 6th sense takes a long long time to resign from its post!!!!! Years!
It made its living watching and paying attention to the most minute details of behavior, tone of voice and facial expressions. It learned to "seek and find" better than any military trained attache' or international spy. It is outstanding at its job, it had to be, being outstanding at its job was often the ONLY thing standing between it and the full on destruction of the person in which it resided. At least that is how it seemed at the time.
But what happens when you have corrected all the situations, removed the abusers and created a wonderful peaceful life for yourself? When you have done the counseling and the personal work and moved your psyche on along to a better and healthier land and a space of relearned trust and confidence and happiness. Then what? Does that voice just disappear? yeah, that would be the easiest way wouldn't it... but it doesn't. It rests. It fades and rests and seems to disappear.... until.
Yep, you guessed it, new experiences come along, most often when things are looking truly wonderful and awesome and there is that little voice again. Checking corners, and backdoors and windows for the lock left untended. Reviewing floorplans and access points for potential infiltation, checking all the chinks in the armor I had finally discarded and while earnestly suggesting I "put that shit back on right the fuck now!" making a very specific map of just where the armor piercing bullet or the well wielded handknife can get through for the killing blow.
Now, you can try and just ignore the voice. Stick your fingers in your ears and sing "lalalalala" all day long. This likely will not work for you any better than it has worked for me. You can politely acknowledge it and tell it to calm itself and go sit quietly, or maybe meditate it into temporary somnolence. You can even try making your point by being like a new made daredevil taking every leap and turn at high speed, pushing the envelope and the safety zones as hard as possible hoping that little sucker will just pass out and shut up once and for all.
But these approaches will all be unsuccessful because there is only one way to get the voice to be quiet and that is to walk forward, with thought and persistence into new situations that have good, happy, joyful, love filled outcomes so that new experiences are created for the hyper vigilant 6th sense to remember INSTEAD of the ones it does. Thats it. That is what I have found works. That, and art.
There are two pieces of art on my table right now. One is about 3/4 done and has been in progress for 7 years. It is a watercolor and symbolizes the rebirth of my self. The self run by that hyper-vigilant voice, finalized and washed and being reborn into something new and freer. The other, in progress for only a few weeks gives voice to my own personal, magical and mystical transformation through my current work with journeying and my teacher.
They both illustrate a very old and well understood mystical concept. That of the Phoenix. Reborn from the ashes of your old self into something that looks just the same and yet is actually new and completely different.
It is easy to paint a picture of a Phoenix, I have done it many times, one time even as a requested gift for one of my more manipulative abusers... imagine that. It is much more difficult to be a Phoenix. It is even more challenging to paint an image of your own Phoenix-like transformation. So these pieces have been vexing me a bit. Even the music I am playing in the background as I work has not seemed right.
the one in progress for 7 years will not seemingly allow the details to be added until the wisdom is integrated into my psyche, and we all know how long wisdom takes to acquire, and totally explains why this piece has taken so long!!
So, this weekend, on the three days of the Full Moon I have every intention of quieting the voice with paints and music and dance and believing in my dreams and hopes and wishes and all that is coming to pass not only in my heart and mind, but in my arms and hands and feet and voice and especially my brushes and I hope to give the Phoenix its two faces, because it seems there are things afoot for me, and to be ready to meet them head on, I need to be fully past my past. The time to make those new and joyful experiences it seems, is finally here.